Thursday, August 20, 2015

Talking About It

I've written, erased, edited, and deleted this post so many times. I've gone back and forth wondering when I should hit "publish", and wondered if I should post it at all. But this is life, and here it is.

Almost two months ago I had a miscarriage. Father's day weekend I found out I was pregnant. We decided not to tell anyone until after my doctor's appointment three weeks later. But after only one short week of celebrating in secret, the miscarriage started. I bled for four days before the doctor told me for sure I was having a miscarriage, and then for several days afterward.

It crushed me. The first few days I cried harder than I ever thought I could cry. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. No one knew I had been pregnant, and miscarriage just isn't something people talk about, so I tried to just keep it all inside and deal with it on my own.

But being on my own was hard. And being with people was hard. It was so much work to pretend that everything was fine, even though I just wanted to scream "MY BABY IS GONE, AND I AM NOT OKAY!". I would go out with friends or family but at the end of the day I would come home and melt down. I was grieving and I was alone, and it was terrible.

I started beating myself up emotionally for everything I could think of. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared and I felt guilty for wasting those precious moments with my baby on being scared (Don't let this sound like I wasn't excited. I was thrilled. But of course there was the initial "What do I do now?" reaction). I felt guilty because I lost my baby so early on and many women have it so much worse; I didn't see an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat or even have a doctor. And of course, even though I was told otherwise, I couldn't help but wonder what I did wrong or what I should have done differently.

I was shutting down. I had to talk. I told my mom and a couple of my good friends and it was like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I wasn't--and am not--looking for sympathy, or for someone to feel bad for me. But I can't express how much it meant to me to have this out in the open. When someone asks "How's it going?" now, I can be honest with them. I can tell them when I'm struggling or having a rough day. When I'm walking through Target and feel like curling up in a ball on the floor of the baby clothes section, I have people I can call who will just listen. Or come sit on that floor with me.

One of the Bible passages that has really been helpful to me is Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". 

Through this heartbreak, God has blessed me with an incredible support system. I am so thankful for them--and you--for listening. It saved me. 

xo Steph